A Sports Business major from Denver, Colorado, Charlie Gaasch wrote this essay for Eric Bosse’s “Truth To Power” class.

*Content Warning: This essay treats themes of mental health and suicidal ideation*

If you or someone you know is struggling, help is out there:  call 988

“July 23, 2003, to April 30, 2022” was supposed to be etched onto a tombstone with my own name on it. During my freshman year of college, my battles with both depression and anxiety had finally boiled over and I was in the depths of the darkest year of my life. For months leading up to that day in April, I contemplated the purpose to life, a thought process that for me, like many other high schoolers, was all too familiar. I grew more and more closed off, only sharing these deep and dark thoughts with the very few people that I knew I could trust. Soon enough however, I decided that I could not go further in sharing the darkness and I began to put together the ultimate front of happiness. That lonely world that I found myself creating and becoming a part of, was one that I knew to be unsustainable. Thus, I chose to plan for an end, an end to my suffering and long-drawn-out pain. Firstly, I thought of my family and the difficulty that planning a funeral would be for them. I decided to start making my own arrangements and I tracked these in a journal that never left my side. Periodically, I would write notes in the journal for family members and friends so they would have a piece of me once it was all said and done. The letters became increasingly difficult to write as I felt an obligation to leave something behind for everyone. I have seven younger sisters and one younger brother, each of whom I wanted to leave pieces of advice, last words, and love. I knew they might never understand this decision and I wanted to focus on the good that I could offer them while I still lived. I chose to go on one final vacation with my family and ensure that I spent an adequate amount of time with each of them so that they all had pleasant final memories to pair with my letters. The vacation was extremely emotional and volatile for me, and I wrote every night in my journal to each sibling, parent, and grandparent that I spent my final weeks with. I sat up late at night in our hotel searching for words that escaped me. Afterwards, I wanted one last visit with my long-distance girlfriend at the time. Our time together took place soon after the family vacation that I had over spring break. I spent her birthday with her and said goodbye for the last time in person. Within days of these trips concluding, as I made my way home, I made final plans for the ultimate end. I ate dinner on the night of April 30^th at the dining hall the same as every night with two of my best friends. Shortly after our meal, I left on my own and went back to my dorm. There, I set out my journal full of letters, plans, and information on my bed and began to write my suicide note. The room grew dark, and my own isolated prison cell felt even more narrow and entrapping than it already was. I sat down at my bedside desk that I often worked at and began to write. Even though I thought I had prepared for this moment, I felt tears stream down my face as I said my last goodbyes to the people that I loved. The note became too hard to continue writing as it was splattered in tear drops. I knew that if I did not get a move on, I would never find myself capable of doing it. I abruptly finished off my note, left it by my journal and quietly snuck out into the night to disappear into the darkness, forever. I got in my car and was on my way to join the ranks of statistics that I will now put to use in this paper to show why suicide cannot just be about the numbers–absolutely must be about people and looking at them in the face. The increasing rate of suicide that we are seeing in the United States is a problem that must be confronted and solved face to face. There is no other way. Looking at the numbers simply won’t be enough; looking into each other’s eyes is the best way to solve the issue at hand.

As a society, we can be measured by not just the physical health of our inhabitants, but the mental health or lack of it that is present. The population of the United States is tragically undergoing a mental health crisis yet many people in the country choose to deny these claims vehemently. Some turn it into a political issue while others claim a weaker and inferior young generation is to be blamed. But the truth is that the left and right alike, both old and young, are all struggling, and it leads to people being put six feet under. On average in the United States, roughly 132 Americans commit suicide each day (Shea). This statistic when examined by basic math comes to the result that about less than every eleven minutes, someone dies at their own hand in our country. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, suicide rates “in the United States increased 35.2% from 10.4 per 100,000 in 2000 to 14.2 per 100,000 in 2018” (The National Institute of Mental Health). Not only are the suicides happening every few minutes, but the rate is on the rise in the US. Mental health battles incorporating problems such as depression and anxiety are ravaging our community, and the lack of awareness or concern lets these individuals fall through the cracks amidst a variety of other ongoing issues such as crime or disease. These illnesses account for far more deaths than not, and a recent psychological autopsy study shows that approximately 90% percent of people who chose to commit suicide had a not only diagnosable but also treatable mental health condition at the time of their death (Harkavy-Friedman). Many of the stated 90% of people who die with treatable mental illness do not even know they have it. Often, people tend to either avoid talking about what they may be going through or simply do not understand the complexity of what is going on in their own minds.

It is also very easy for the community in this country to neglect mental health struggles compared to other things that may be at the forefront of minds. For example, in the year 2020, a year marked by cruelty, brutality, crime, and widespread gun violence in the US, “There were nearly two times as many suicides (45,979) in the United States as there were homicides (24,576)” (The National Institute of Mental Health). The unfortunate reality that can be seen in the dynamics of this country is that the media lacks any coverage of suicide rates and the ongoing mental health crisis. It is easier to present the other happenings to the public as a problem and the mental health struggles of the population are left with no attention. Turning on the news or looking at online articles will detail all the tragedies of the country and world except for one of the most concerning problems. There were so many relevant battles at hand in the year 2020 for the US, such as the pandemic or Black Lives Matter protests, however, the mental health crisis saw a drastic spike in suicide, yet it fell out of the national attention as there was simply no media willing to cover these stories. This is not to say that these other events are less important or relevant, but rather that neglect should be looked at as a potential contributing cause for the spike in suicides and mental health troubles during the period. Lockdowns or frequently occurring scenes of violence and brutality can certainly be involved in a leap in self-inflicted deaths in America and it should have been treated as such. What is causing these individuals to choose to take their own lives? Ultimately, it is too difficult to tease out different causal factors for these suicide rate. What can help make statistics interpretable is breaking it down to who the people who are making the choice at higher rates than others and examining why that could be the case.

Everyone in this world suffers to some degree with their mental health; however the population who struggle and take the step further to suicide is increasing and doing so rapidly, as shown earlier. The alarming increase in suicide rates is something that not many people stop to examine fully, and if they are not personally connected, they may never hear about a problem that is becoming so vast. The conditions and struggles are all deeply personal issues so, to solve the glaring issue, we must get to know these people in a more human way than a mere number. If we do not confront the problem face to face, there will only be numbers to look at left as the rest of the faces will be gone. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention finds that 70% of suicides in America were white men. Even though white men make up a large majority of the country, the adjusted rates per capita, for race and gender, still reflect a significantly higher rate in this group. The very next adjusted highest rate was found in Native American men. The categories that follow?  Also men. As for the age ranges of these men, the age groups that see the sharpest increases of late are men from twenty-five to thirty-four (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention). Overall, men are the people who make up most of our suicides in America and are taking their lives at an increasing rate more often than others. Why?

The answer is never easy or direct and it can’t possibly be when you are dealing with individuals. It is important, however, to have realized that men are taking their own lives at an alarmingly higher rate in comparison to women. The Priory Medical Group surveyed this very subject and found that societal roles are likely a huge factor in the deaths. While women are traditionally considered far more emotional people, men are brought up with the idea that “boys don’t cry” (McLaren). The statement “man up,” while sounding cliché, is a very real phrase that gets repeated throughout many men’s lives, including my own, leading the men addressed to be less likely to speak up to a partner, friend, medical group, or employer. Phrases such as these are thrown in the faces of young boys not just by family but by any older male role models such as teachers, coaches, or even strangers on the street. The fear of a “negative response” leads men to be “less likely to get the treatment they need when they are struggling” (McLaren). Another potential gender role at hand has to do with providing for families. Many men feel that they must be the breadwinner for the family and ensure a ample livelihood, and that anything short of that is failure. These undue pressures, whether originating internally or societally, (arguably both) cause stress and anxiety at extremely high rates. It is hard to reverse centuries of the stigmas and pressures associated with how men were raised, and even harder to do so with older populations who are projecting the same lessons onto younger men. Many men battle the anxiety that comes from concern about the ability to provide, and the thought that a woman sharing this role is something negative. They often worry that they will be looked down upon by society, considered lesser by their counterparts; they are often considered worthless by themselves. This spiral can bring on more than just anxiety. Depression follows this train of thought for men who feel they have not provided. Men typically isolate themselves and shut off the outside world, usually at far higher rates than women (McLaren). Both of these mental disorders can also feed into substance abuse which is again statistically more likely to occur in men compared to women (McLaren). Men are at higher risk across the board for all sorts of factors that contribute to a mental health crisis and when it boils over, suicide.  We must address the initial problem of traditional gender roles. It is perfectly fine for a woman to be the breadwinner and a man should not be looked down upon for it, nor should a woman feel out of the ordinary as the main source of income for a particular family or household. These simple types of barriers must be broken down before the people themselves are the ones that are broken. While the small things are a start, we must further examine the deeper question at hand that extends to more than just gender roles but mental disorders as a whole. How do we, as a society, solve the problems and prevent deaths from occurring in the first place, especially at the increasing rates for the given demographic, one that I and so many are a part of?

The most important part to remember in the battle between humans and suicide is no one should be alone or forced to deal with their struggles as such. I spent much of what would have been the last months of my life alone and did not want to implant my problems into other people in the form of burdens. Thus, I no longer spoke about my issues and dealt with them by staying in my dark dorm room alone hoping for something to change. On April 30^th, as I rode off into the night, I drove to another city so as not to be found immediately. I had planned with incredible care, but I did not account for one thing: my friends. I had become so lonely and so engulfed in my plan that I did not acknowledge the impact that others could have on my life any longer. That is what ultimately saved my life. One of my friends from dinner that night later told me that she noticed something was off and different at that meal, so she decided to come down to my room to check on me. My friend represents here an important distinction in the previously mentioned gender roles. Women are often a stronghold for men who struggle to cope with and understand their own emotions. She identified something in me that very few were able to that night. It reflects the traditional idea that women can spot emotional struggles better than men. It should be a focus for men to embrace their emotions and find ways to vocalize them so that women are not forced to search for issues but be able to respond when prompted. Men taking this responsibility will ease relationships among the genders and provide a better way for men to confront themselves and their feelings. That night she made sure that even though I was not ready to let anyone in, someone would get there to help me. She was determined to knock on the door until I let her in. I, obviously, was not home but two of my roommates were and they eventually heard the banging and let her in about half an hour after I slipped out unnoticed. They directed my friend who came to help me to my room and said I had been in there for a while but quiet which was not unusual at that point in the semester. My friends and roommates knocked until they decided just to go in and to their horror and my blessed luck, found my suicide note. Upon reading it, one of my friends who had grown close to me and my family over the year got in touch with my parents. Soon people I was close to, and many for whom I wasn’t anything more than an acquaintance, were out searching the entirety of the state for any sign of me or my car.

The end of April 30^th found me in my favorite place in the whole state of Colorado, taking in what were to be my final moments in front of the mountains overlooking my hometown of Denver. I found a moment of silence in all of the pain as I looked at the stars in the sky while I let out small and muffled cries. I felt beyond lost, taken over by the overwhelming and longstanding pain that I hid for so long. I hesitated. For the first time in all of my planning, I hesitated. In that moment of silent hesitation three cars rolled into the lot. The first two were cops with bright red and blue lights flashing. A few moments later, from the third car, I saw my dad, my best friend, with tears running down his face. He looked mortified but relieved at the same time. I will never forget his face in that moment. His son was alive. As the cops came forward and asked me questions that I half-heartedly was able to answer, my dad ran over and yelled “He’s my son” as he reached for me. Numbness overtook my body as I fought off the overwhelming events surrounding me. I felt cold and dead with every breath that I took. I wasn’t really there but everyone else was, I was a shell, an empty one. I didn’t know what I wanted or what to do anymore. I felt lost. I seemed to just float along with the night, a shadow of a human. I was checked into a local hospital overnight and released in the morning with my father, who refused to leave my side for weeks, even months, from that moment on. I walked out of the hospital in the morning to the light, headed for my new life and the beginning of a long and hard road to recovery. The smallest detail saved my life that night. My life was not over yet. It only took one slightly concerned friend of mine to deploy dozens of friends, family, and even acquaintances of mine throughout the state to ultimately save a life. Recovery for me hasn’t been straightforward, quick, or easy but with the right tools in place, anyone can go from a night like April 30^th to where I am today, thriving, and healthy.

A necessity in finding that new life and peace is outside support from friends and loved ones. Many people are afraid to bring up the state of their mental health to those around them; I was the same way. I didn’t want to appear weak or scare others who loved me. This is where warning signs become incredibly important. These signs come in many different forms, and though there are an assortment of standard ones, I want to focus on specific issues that I can speak on that may not be as easily seen. Outsiders can spot many different signs of mental struggles in those around them if they know what to look for or even what they are should they pop up seemingly out of nowhere. One significant warning sign often appears when people who are considering taking their own lives have made their decision. This would be the aforementioned front of happiness. Those who are hurting in such a manner will find that putting a mask on and appearing as if everything is ok will throw others who could be concerned for them off the track. I did not want anyone interfering with my decision to commit suicide and throwing on a smile certainly eliminated the questions regarding how I was doing. This is not any ordinary happiness, however. I walked around every day with a fake euphoria that presented as if I was perfectly happy and getting over any prior issues that I appeared to have had. I overcompensated for the deep sadness within and attempted to distract others around me by being overly interested, and hyper-excitable about anything and everything that crossed my path. This drained me and left every night darker than the one before. It was exhausting to carry the weight of the depression around and some days I was physically incapable of getting out of bed, telling others that I was busy with work that I was having a lot of fun with and wrapped up in a happy world. It was uneasy and extremely unnatural in retrospect, yet it left others happy, thinking that somehow something had suddenly changed and clicked for me, leading me to a better spot.  There is also a level of peace that can come with the choice to end one’s life. I had struggled for so long and been so unhappy that finalizing my plan gave me a degree of unusual happiness as I knew my pain would soon reach its end. Each day was one day less that I had to get through to finally reach April 30^th. Watching for these abrupt swings in mood is important because. unfortunately, they do not mean that someone is truly doing better. Aside from the expected warning signs that one can find like drug/alcohol abuse, talking about dark thoughts, or negative mood swings, there is another abnormal sign people who are struggling can exhibit: giving away prized possessions. As I worked out a plan for the end, I found myself wanting some kind of control over the things that I treasured. I gave things that I loved to others as a reminder of me, a symbol of my love, and as a means to control where my valued possessions ended up after I was gone. It is hard to meet the end of the road even if it is your own self making that choice, and material attachments can cause emotional distress when considering where they end up. Giving them to those you love is an easy way to let your legacy live on through something and someone you care about. In reality, these objects represent the last of a will to live as they are placeholders for a treasured piece of one’s life. There are many different warning signs, and it is impossible to cover them all, but these are ones that I wanted to share as they are some more obscure ones that would not always raise alarms to others but were relevant to my story.

Health and happiness are what everyone seeks out in their own ways and a lot of the time people struggle to find them. It took a cataclysmic downfall for me to be able to get back on track and find healthy ways to deal with my depression and anxiety. For many people, including myself, therapy is a highly beneficial option. Having someone professional to talk to without judgment, likely a doctor who specializes in dealing with the mental disorders in question, can prevent stressors from boiling over. In a study conducted by the Suicide Prevention Resource Center at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center, “[Cognitive behavioral therapy] reduced the risk of suicidal behavior by 50%” (Sudak). Relying on other people can be incredibly healthy, especially seeking professional help. While many people reading this may experience suicidal ideation and look for help, many will also read and want to learn how to help loved ones who may be struggling. I can say firmly that having someone check in consistently can quite literally be the difference between life or death. It may sound small and insignificant to those who have not struggled with these dark thoughts, but I promise, a friend just checking in daily is enough for someone to feel loved. It is also important to spot the signs before they become significantly worse. Some examples of these warning signs are isolation, change in behavior or simply new behavior including but not limited to substance use as well as many different warning signs. It could also simply be reflected in their words such as discussing hopelessness or inability to figure out why they are consistently down and even a sudden improvement. Spotting any of these and speaking with the person about them can make all the difference in the world. The bottom line here is to be communicative and observant; this can change the course of a person’s life. Everyone needs someone. “No man is an island, / Entire of itself; / Every man is a piece of the continent, / A part of the main” (Donne). No one is or should be isolated. We are all humans and when one is lost, all of humanity is worse off.

Suicide is one of the most relevant topics in our society, yet it is often overlooked. Suicide rates are through the roof in our country and many people struggle, silently. My story is uniquely my own but at its core, it is far more common than many people truly realize. It is also a subject that impacts more than just the one who makes the choice. There are countless victims of suicide. Families and friends mourn and never truly recover when losing someone they love to suicide, and I can confirm that personally. My family has lost five family members and friends to suicide in just the last three years. The pain is unmeasurable; the pain of watching as the rest of my family and friends suffer the loss only adds to it. It is important to empathize with those hurting and I firmly believe that we all can relate to some degree to stress, anxiety, and depression. But t is important not only to relate, but also to talk about the way we feel, and work to tear apart the systems of silence and unfair pressures before more people are lost. To help others, we must face the fact,s and the facts undeniably show that suicide is on the rise, particularly with men. When we learn the facts and better our understanding, we can stop only looking at numbers and begin to face people before they become a part of a statistic. No one wants to be a number; everyone wants to be a person, and one who is loved at that. Call your family and friends and check in on them. Foster a culture of love and discussion with them, even if all is well for them now, so that if one day down the line something changes, you can be the one they come to, to feel safe–or you can go to them. You never know who may be struggling each and every day, who may face these hardships next: it could be anyone. Love others and love yourself.

Love, Charlie

Works Cited

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Accessed 10 July 2023, November 2023. <https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/>.

Donne, John. “Meditation XVII.” Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions.  London, 1624.

Harkavy-Friedman, Dr. Jill. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. 7 February 2020. November 2023. <https://afsp.org/story/ask-dr-jill-does-mental-illness-play-a-role-in-suicide>.

McLaren, Paul. Why are Suicides so High Amongst Men? -Priory Medical Group. n.d. November 2023. <https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/why-are-suicides-so-high-amongst-men>.

The National Institute of Mental Health. National Institute of Mental Health. 4 May 2023. November 2023. <https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide>.

Shea, Lisa. Lifespan. 8 June 2023. November 2023. <https://www.lifespan.org/lifespan-living/rise-suicide>.

Sudak, Dr. Donna M. Suicide Prevention Resource Center. 19 July 2022. November 2023. <https://sprc.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/FINAL_Donna-Sudak_7.19.22_-Webinar-3.pdf>.